Friday, August 24, 2007

i still blame you. because you never put an end to what you promised to begin.

i know i don't have to forget, but i wish i could just stop remembering. it had been too long ago after all.


we were too young and innocent then. what we thought was real back then should only be memories of childish silliness now. it should have been nothing but our young hearts' desire to beat. it should have been nothing at all.


yet your words, which now seems to have come from another reality, still echo inside my head. your words and your promises were all i ever had. your promise to come back, your promise to continue what you have begun and never let it end. promises i had put so much faith into. it was the only thing i could hold on to if i wanted things to last, because everything else that was you had gone beyond my reach. but you broke all your promises, and it was only then that i realized that i had been holding on to them so much.


it took me three years of your absence to realize that what i felt for you was true. that i had believed every single word you said. that i had been waiting for you all along. and it only took a moment of seeing your smile, alongside hers, for me to know that it was completely over.


there was never anything between us because i had been such a coward. because i was the only one who thought it was the right thing to do, and i let others decide for me. or was it because what you felt was not as real as i thought?


i had so many questions in my mind. questions that never found answers, same way i never found you. but i knew you were happy and there was nothing left for me to do but let it all go. and after trying and trying and trying, i thought i had.


i've been through it, but now here i go again. i thought that seeing you happy was enough for me. i thought it was enough for me to accept that fate chose different paths for us. i thought it was enough for me to leave the already distant past behind.


but i hear these songs and it all just comes back as if it were just yesterday. why do i still even think of you? why do i even feel like i actually still miss you?


why is it so hard? why can't i just wake up and know for certain that i'm over you? why can't i just not feel anything for you? you're just supposed to be a part of my past, of a time when we were carefree and happiness was all we wanted to matter, of a time when we thought we were rebellling but actually being innocent after all. of a time we should be looking back on and laughing at ourselves for believing that love was real. because i know it was not real at all back then.


but as i said and as i keep telling myself, that had been too long ago.


i deny it, but truth is, i still can't help asking myself, what if i still love you? :'(

posted by riela jae at 12:01 AM